Current Events - May 16, 2008

So the news around the world over the last few weeks has not been good. Between cyclones, earthquakes, politics, and oh so much more, it becomes harder and harder to keep a good mood while watching television, reading the paper, reading websites, talking to people, etc.

Enter Yahoo Odd News.

Some of you may know that I am frequent of this page, linked off of Yahoo's regular news page. Some of you may remember this post about the violent theft of a bag of gourmet tacos. Maybe you heard about this story during Super Bowl time about a dog who was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Or maybe you've heard me tell this story, doubting it was really true, about what can happen when no one is brave enough to challenge the decisions of a deranged leader (in this case, a sheep).

Fortunately, I checked Odd News today. And the headlines were simply incredible. I will now share the headlines, the first paragraph of each story, and my analysis (which will be italics).

1.) DNA Tests Exonerate 'Lizard Man' in Van Attack

... what?

BISHOPVILLE, S.C. - DNA testing has shown an attack on a family van some blamed on the legendary Lizard Man appears to have been actually done by a domestic dog. Something chewed up the front fender of Bob and Dixie Rawson's van in February. Bite marks were left on the wheel wells and blood was found on the vehicle.

I have several questions. WHAT LEGENDARY LIZARD MAN?! How did take 3 months to figure out that it wasn't 'LIZARD MAN' who chewed up this family's van?! Why are domestic dogs in Bishopville chewing on cars to the point where it draws blood?!?! WHAT LEGENDARY LIZARD MAN?!

I will never visit Bishopville.

2.) Baby Subpoenaed for Unpaid Chiropractor Bill

HARRISONBURG, VA - A Harrisonburg court dismissed a case against a baby boy summoned to appear in court for an unpaid bill. Richard White said he was chocked when he got a subpoena in the mail requiring his 1-year-old son, Jacy, to appear in Rockingham County General District Court next Tuesday over a $391 chiropractor bill.

This is not a good start for Jacy. Most people try to stay out of the court system at least through high school. Wait. Most people try to stay out of the court system their entire lives. Jacy here is clinging on to pampers while evading federal marshals.

Do you think Obama's new health care plan will include 1 year-olds with bad backs? It better.

3.) Pair Say They Attacked Each Other with Frying Pan

CROSSVILLE, Tenn. - Out of the frying pan and into the fire. That's pretty much what happened to a Cumberland County couple arrested and charged with whacking each other with a frying pan.

Was frying pan was fresh off a burning stove. That would be awesome. Equally awesome in this case is the fact that both people were able to get a shot in. Almost as if they were taking turns.

4.) Police Say Men Trying to Steal Power Lines Were Shocked

What a profound headline...

CONFLUENCE, Pa. - Two Somerset County mean are charged with trying to steal live power lines that were still attached to a transformer and utility poles.

I always love it when people are arrested doing things like this because not only to they get completely humiliated by their idiotic decisions, but then they get arrested for them. Is that mean? I can't really explain how amazed I am by this. I want to meet these guys.

THE END

I FOUND him!

After nearly a month of waiting for a response from my last post, AL, our beloved politician turned scientist/movie producer/meteorologist/manbearpig hunter, has finally emerged from the depths. Of course, it's in the wake of what will go down as one of most tragic natural disasters ever. Sweet timing Al.

Me: What's been up Al?

Al: Only the temperature of the entire planet, including places where all the glaciers live and every ocean. Especially that one where all the glaciers live.

Me: Dude.

Al: I kept telling you people it'd get warm outside. All you selfish people and automobiles and spray paint are making it too darn hot.

Me: It's spring Al.

Al: grumble grumble grumble

Me: Seriously Al, why did you have to come out and talk about global warming right now? It makes you look even worse because now everyone thinks that you're using an awful tragedy for your personal political gain. Plus, we all still think your certifiably insane. Do you have a response? 

Al: Honestly, would you rather have me or Obama?

Me: I don't know.

**note** I don't want to poke fun at what happened in Myanmar, just Al. I can't properly put into words how horrifying and devastating that must be for those people. I find it outrageous that Al publicly blames the deaths of potentially over 100,000 people on global warming, which he of course blames on us, which indirectly makes us responsible for the cyclone. I'm sure that's what the people of Myanmar need right now. Maybe global warming is really as big of a problem as he thinks, maybe it's not. But, since I know that manbearpig isn't as big of a problem as he thinks, I'm not sold yet on global warming.

"It's half man, half bearpig."

"It could be bear, half pigman."